The big one.
I still haven’t transfered the pictures from my camera onto my computer. Add to that, my camera battery finally died. I didn’t think it possible. Guess it’s time to break out the charger once again.
Much lounging today. But I did actually get to leave the house at one point. S has brought it upon herself to bring back Borders Night. So far, unsuccessful. Her, I, and a friend of hers that I was never introduced to and didn’t talk to all night. I went because I had an agenda. Which led to a frantic phone call in the night to a far away friend. “Is the ‘Watchmen’ comic book really THAT big? I always thought it was smaller. I don’t want to be paying for extra stuff!” Then reassurance. I left with that and a magazine. “Ready Made.” Never heard of it before, but it looks pretty Do-It-Yourself and independent. Just like me? Meh. Seems to be worth the $20 subscription (for two years.) I’ll let you know how it is later.
D and I. Man, I am tired of these one-letter names. SOPHIA. DEVANNY. Fuck anonymity. If you know me I am going to write about you in my blog. I should get a t-shirt made up.
I told Devanny a pretty in-depth version of Smudges’ death tonight and it brought all those emotions flooding back. Still miss her. Will always miss her.
I knew it was a good idea to buy my plane tickets right away. Second thoughts? Maybe. I don’t really know what to call what I’m thinking about right now. I still want to go. Austin seems like a really amazing place–and many people, even strangers, have confirmed my belief. I am simply really going to miss my Baby. The bond with my friends and family will more than likely endure, but if I am away from the Baby too long she’s going to lose me. Overly dramatic. Yes. But that little girl has been my life for the last two years. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I reach down and don’t have a warm, pink tummy to rub or when she’s not there tearing around the house as fast as her stubby legs will carry her. And who am I going to yell at for trying to lay on me/crush me with her sheer weight at night? Who is going to kiss me when I make smoochy noises? We keep each other company, that is the beauty of our relationship and now neither of us will have that. Alone again. I cry every time I think about it. Oh, and how do women have children? I can’t go a week without worrying that something dramatic is going to happen to Bubber that will cause her to die when I’m not with her.
Which brings me to my main point: what the fuck am I doing with my life? What is it exactly that I want? How do indecisive people survive? Really, how do they do it? Well, two things I know for sure: I really do want to graduate from college and, most importantly, Prison Baby is always going to be mine and I am willing to adjust my life around her. As far as everything else, who knows. Go to Seattle? UW? Stay in Austin? UT? Return to Reno? Settle for UNR? Computer Science? Animal Science? Live alone and take out a student loan to focus on school? Wait until a friend or two moves to Seattle? Settle down and rent my parents’ house? Spend a lot of money to rent a Uhaul and relocate? Get school over with? Take my time to figure out what it is exactly I am doing? Will I even be able to afford school if I move? Would I be able to provide for and properly care for Bubbles?
Austin will hopefully give me more perspective.