Grumble.
I feel very up in arms this night.
On the plane ride home I thought and wrote a lot. I should move. It’d be so easy. I don’t even care anymore. But now I am back home and Reno has sucked me back in.
I sit here fighting an inner battle and it’s doing its best on my body physically. I haven’t felt this uneasiness in my stomach for years. The twisting and turning and tightening. I haven’t written a negative, emotional post in a great amount of time. But tonight is the night.
I don’t want to be where I am anymore. And on the plane everything seemed so simple. Put my two-weeks in. Get my money refunded on my classes. Reserve a Uhaul. Pack. And then the plane touched down and everything that seemed so simple became so complicated. I see my family and I lay in my comfortable home and I start to lose my fervor. Everything loses it’s sharp black and white and in comes all the warm and fuzzy grey area.
And this strong tightening and thoughts of actually letting myself come to tears is reminiscent of the past battles of my stoic mind versus my heart and spirit. Maybe this is brought on because I’ve already made my decision and one or the other is trying to fight back. I was so determined on the plane. And maybe I’m torn up inside because I’m choosing to lose this familiar battle yet again. Or maybe it’s a new pain brought on by the realization that I’m losing the next best thing in my life: the proximity of my family.
I wanted to update with something much better than this, but this is all I can help to think about. I wish I didn’t make life so complicated.