Boom.

Every time I listen to Mickey Avalon I have this huge desire to live that lifestyle: smoking cigarettes and blowing coke. It all goes back to that phrase I saw on that postcard:

I would rather be a messed up person, fixed, than to be a regretful person wondering how “messed up” would feel.

I understand how bad cigarettes are and obviously coke is not a healthy choice. Haha. Obviously. But I always have these huge desires to do horrible things even though they are totally out of character.
So, the question is, Will she buy a pack of cigarettes on her way out tonight or will the smarter voice in her head find some volume?

And everyone is rereading what they just read, checking the web address to make sure they are in the right place, but, yes, this is me. That girl you don’t really know.

Weight loss: -12.6 lbs

Even though tonight is one of those let-us-get-drunk-in-celebration-of-something-significant-happening-in-our-lives for everyone else I know (our store closing turned out to be a bigger deal than I thought) it is definitely one of those sit-at-home-in-silent-melancholy-slash-what-now? nights for me.

My reclusiveness is at an all time high this night. I secretly feel like crying. Which is why I hypothesized that the closing hit much closer than expected. My phone is dead and I don’t feel like plugging it in. I’m cold and I just want to curl up in my white comforter and sleep.

When will I have someone in my life that I can open up to? Nobody knows me.

Wah. Wah. Wah.

Music: Ratatat - LP3

Online rent is due November 17th and I haven’t yet decided what I plan on doing. I understand the advantages of keeping SR up and running, but I might be over the whole perblog trend. I am contemplating a more informative/review approach, but (1) I don’t know how successful it would be and (2) I don’t think SR would be a good domain name for the type of blog I want to run and (3) I am really tired of default WordPress theme, but I still don’t have the skills I want/need to make anything of my own. So, in other words kind of stuck in a rut. But then again, it might be fun to document my learning journey whenever I decide to start it. So maybe I will keep SR around and just add a side project later if I figure out what the hell I’m doing. More on that later if necessary.

“Mirando” is such a good song. When it plays I get really into it.

I have to remember to sign up for classes November 26th at 4:00 PM. I already have my schedule figured out. Seventeen credits. I might skip the Core Humanities again and instead opt for a creative writing class. I have an intense desire to improve my writing skills. Not that I try to exercise my skills here, instead I opt for my usual, unpolished vernacular. I am a born writer. I don’t necessarily mean I am gifted in that particular department. I simply mean I grew up writing. At a very early age I began buying new, spiral-bound notebooks and starting “novels.” And as soon as I’d started one, I would give up and tear it out furiously. I wish I hadn’t destroyed all of them. They would be interesting to read now that I am older.

“Shempi” is also a favorite song of mine on this particular Ratatat album. This may because of the Asian-sounding bits.

Music: Sufjan Stevens- Come On Feel the Illinoise!

And now on to Life Update:

Gregor has a flat tire. Last night was the perfect picture of frustration. The rain was pouring down and even though I had a jacket on I was soaked. I sat on my moped trying to get my throttle to turn. It usually decides to stick when it gets wet or cold. He’s temperamental, what can I say? After five minutes of sitting in the cold rain trying to get the damn thing to work he finally decides to give in–with a catch of course. I get about a block and a half away from Ana’s house when I decide to stop and check if both tires are okay because he’s riding funny. Well, more like he was riding fun because I was getting some pretty bad-ass drifting in. But at this point, I realize the back tire is finally flat (it’s been balding for months.) So I walk him the block and a half back to Ana’s which is where he is staying for the time being. And now I am officially immobile.

My only other news is that I finally have my huge flat-screen in my small bedroom. It looks so very out of proportion with everything in the room, but until I have the house to myself that is where it will remain. Next, I have to set up all of my game systems.

Oh, and I’m not sure if I told you, but my store is closing this Friday. I’m not too happy about this. I will be transferring to another store in town closer to my house, but I don’t expect to be very happy there or stay very long. It will be nice to be forced into walking to and from work every day. It’s no secret that I need the exercise.

I have been making small wishes every night before I go to bed. They are similar to small, one-line prayers, but without the intention of being heard by one particular God. Last night’s: “Have a good, interesting tomorrow. Please. Please.” And today was a much better day than the past few. Most of them have been coming true. Just think that’s interesting.

Weight gain/loss: -9.4 lbs